


Death Eaters Nine Nine

by jinglebin



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, I think it lost track of the line between funny and crackfic, M/M, death eaters b99 style, don't hold it against me, heavily based on 9 days, none of this makes any sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-27 01:41:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12071076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinglebin/pseuds/jinglebin
Summary: Voldemort and Barty get infected with dragon pox





	Death Eaters Nine Nine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheQueenInTheNorth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheQueenInTheNorth/gifts).



> Gift for TheQueenInTheNorth (you should all go read her stuff she's much better than me)
> 
> I went with our random brainstorming while watching b99 and tried it :)
> 
> Happy birthday! <3

“My Lord, thanks for letting me come with you. Though I could’ve handled this myself.”

 

“We’ll see in the future, Crouch. This intel from the ministry from Rookwood is important.”

 

“Yes, I know! Don’t worry I’ll be good. And i’ll prove I can handle more challenging tasks by myself in the future.”

 

They made it to Rookwood’s house and he looked dreadful. His skin had a greenish tinge to it and when he tried to speak he sneezed on them instead and sparks came out of his nose.

 

“Dragon pox!” Barty exclaimed. “Oh my stars, we’re gonna die.”

 

“Don’t be so melodramatic you fool. There’s a cure we’ll be fine if we get to it faster than Rookwood did.” He grabbed the papers with intel from Rookwood’s hands. “Sorry to lose you, you were dreadfully useful.”

 

* * *

 

“Hey,” Bella yells at Crabbe and Goyle. “Have you seen Roddy?”

 

“Sure, he’s crawled into a little ball under his desk.” Goyle replies.

 

“Oh, no.” Bella whispers to herself as she walks over to him and crouches down.

 

“Did you read Tales of Beedle the Bard again last night?” She inquires. “You know it gives you nightmares.”

“I’m sad. Leta died this morning.”

 

“I’m sorry that’s terrible. That’s like your great aunt right?”

 

“No, she was my cat, Bella. You know this.”

 

“Do I? Well, no big deal right? It’s just a pet.”

 

“It is to me!” Roddy replies in a high pitched voice. “But don’t worry I’ll power through.” He got up from under the desk and stood up.

 

“Wait is this your cat that jumped everyone and tried to scratch them?” Bell said as realisation dawned on her.

 

“Yes, it’s how she died. She went for Rabastan and he kicked her out the window.”

 

“Stupid cat.”

 

“So much for cats always landing on their feet.”

 

“Anyway, you’ve got to move on. We’re in the middle of a war. It’s what Lisa would have wanted.”

 

“Leta.”

 

“Whatever, Roddy.”

 

* * *

 

 

Voldemort and Barty went back to Malfoy Manor and locked themselves in the drawing room.

 

“Let’s just call Reg in.’ Barthy whined. “He can help.”

 

“What you want us to infect someone else? Let’s at least get someone useless to do it. We’ll call Crabbe.” Voldemort replied.

 

“Don’t worry,” Barty said. “He takes so many preventative potions. He’s immune to stuff I’d never even heard of.”

 

“Alright then.”

 

Barty shoots off his patronus with a message for Reg who comes in minutes later.

 

“Babe, you said you nee…” He freezes when he sees the Dark Lord in the room. “Uhm, I mean. Barty what did I say? Wait, what do you need?”

 

“We’ve been infected with dragon pox, Black. We’re gonna need the cure and fast. Can you get Snape.”

 

“Oh, that won’t work, my Lord.” Regulus reluctantly answers. “The cure takes two weeks to make.”

 

“What?” Voldemort sounded a bit scared for a second.”

 

“Don’t worry. I’ll send Rabastan to the apothecary in Diagon Alley. If there’s a wait list for it he’ll be able to convince the clerk to give it to him.”

 

“Yes, good do that.”

 

“But you’ll still have to stay in here in quarantine for a week. Even with the cure. You’ll probably get some fever and hallucinations too.”

 

“In quarantine. For a week? With Barty?” Voldemort sounded a bit hysterical.

 

“I know, it’s like a dream come true isn’t it?” Barty replied missing his tone.

 

“Ok, Black, tell Lucius he is in charge. And I’m gonna write a letter to Bella come and get it later so you can give it to her.”

 

“Of, course my Lord. I’ll be back.”

  
  


* * *

 

“Cissy, the Dark Lord got infected with dragon pox! He’s letting me be in charge for a week.” Lucius is telling her excitedly.

 

“Hey, that’s good right. You wanted to get more responsibility. It’s your time to shine! All of you and not just your glamorous hair.”

 

“I don’t have time to think about hair care! I’m so stressed!”

 

“Why?”

 

“I just want to do a good job leading. The Dark Lord is so good at it. Yesterday Barty thanked him for yelling at him. He said being yelled at by him made him a better man.”

 

“Yeah, I’m not sure that something you should inspire to.”

 

“”I just want to make smart decisions,” Lucius sighs. “You get that right.”

 

“No, I never let people know how smart I am. That way I can still be hot and people underestimate me.”

 

“Are you saying you downplay your intelligence even with me?”

 

“Of course, not.” She says, giving him a sly smile.

 

* * *

 

_My dear Bella,_

 

_I’ve been infected with a bout of dragon box by that blunderhead Rookwood. Don’t worry about me. Reg is making Rabastan get us the cure and we’ll be fine but I have to spend a week in quarantine with Barty. I don’t know how I’ll survive it. I’m letting Lucius be in charge because he’s been so desperate to prove himself. But keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn’t somehow expose wizardkind to the muggle world. I don’t know how I will survive a week without you but please stay away! You cannot get infected. I need you to take care of Nagini, you know you’re the only one I’d trust with her._

 

_Love,_

 

_Voldemort_

 

* * *

 

“Is the cure making you feel weird too?” Barty wondered.

 

“Crouch, you know the rules. No talking unless it’s absolutely necessary. I can’t survive a week listening to your ramblings.”

 

“You know you don’t realize how alike we are. Both with disappointing dads who gave us their stupid names. Do you think I should get a different name? I’ve been thinking about it. I even tried your anagram thing but all I could come up wit his ‘I am cubout crusher’. Do you think I should go with that. Oh, you can call me your little cub. It’s perfect. I don’t need my stupid father. I have you.”

 

Voldemort pinched his nose in frustration. “Please stop talking and don’t do that.”

 

“Okay, papa bear.”

 

“I am very drowsy right now and going to take a nap to but if you call me that again when I feel better I’ll jinx your hair off.”

 

* * *

 

Narcissa barged into her living room when she heard screaming coming from inside.

 

“What the hell is going on in here?” She looked around to see Crabbe and Goyle looking like they’d been in a fight and her couch on fire and Lucius looking sheepish.

 

“I was trying to help them improve their cursework but then Crabbe accidentally blew up Goyle’s cake he was gonna eat later, and then they started firing spells at each other and set our couch on fire.” Lucius looked exasperated. Crabbe and Goyle looked murderous.

“I’ll make a new cake for both of you. Lucius just fix our couch please. Everyone cool with that?”

 

They just nodded and Narcissa turned around and walked out of the room cursing herself for allowing Lucius to offer their home as headquarters.

* * *

 

“Ok, I’m back with some more cure.” Reg announced as he walked into the drawing room.”

 

“Baaaaaaaaaaaaaabbeeee!” Barty whined out, he looked totally out of it. “I missed you. I feel a little weird but you can do whatever you want to my body, babe. Hey, I’ve been thinking of changing my name! Would you call me your little cub? The Dark Lord won’t.”

 

“Barty,” Reg hissed. “Not in front of the Dark Lord. This is so embarrassing.”

 

“Oh, he doesn’t care. He’s just been doodling. I doubt he can even hear us.”

 

Regulus looked over to Voldemort to find him surrounded by papers filled with snake doodles and Bella’s name written over and over and over surrounded by flowers and hearts. He tried to grab and hide them when he spotted Regulus looking but he saw he had noticed.

 

“I’m not in love. Shut up. Don’t even. I am you MASTER. If you tell _anyone…”_

 

Regulus puts up his hands next to his head in surrender. “Wasn’t gonna. Trust me.”

 

* * *

 

“Roddy,” Bella said half-sang when she came up to him. “I’ve got the perfect way to make you feel better.”

 

“I’m not in the mood, Bella, I’m focusing and back to work like you wanted, okay.”

 

“No, I know that cat meant a lot to you! And I’ve got the perfect way to help you feel better.”

 

At this Rodolphus turned his head to finally look at her and see she had the Dark Lord’s snake wrapped around her shoulders.

 

“Bella, what are you doing?”

 

“Look, I’m supposed to take care of Nagini but I am terrible with pets! You have to help me and it’ll take your mind of Leta.”

 

“No way, I am not getting near the snake. The Dark Lord would kill me if anything happens to her.” He stood up and walked away from her.

 

“So, I have to like actually take care of her then?” Bella wondered out loud.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, my Lord. How do you know you’re in love with someone?” Barty inquired.

 

“Ugh, we are not talking about this.”

 

“Why not, come ooooon. We’re both so doped out we’ll forget anyway.

 

“Uh. I don’t know. You just know don’t you. Like Bella’s the only one of you fools I actually trust.”

 

“Rude. I’m gonna make you trust me.” Barty replied. But now that he got started talking about Bella Voldemort just kept rambling.

 

“She’s just amazing, isn’t she? I mean she terrifies even me at times. I love it when she tells you all exactly what she’s thinking. I wish I could. And she’s just so hot. Like I could just stare at her all day. I love her hair. And what she does to me. Like she’s so much better than all my fantasies. I think I fell in love with her when she looked at me like she wanted to kill me and I know she could.”

 

“Dark Lord?” Barty asked quietly.

 

“I think Reg and I are in love with Bella, too.”

 

“Well you can’t fucking have her Barty!”

 

* * *

 

“Okay, everyone,” Lucius said addressing everyone at the long table. “The Dark Lord might be out but we still have work to do and he left me in charge. So let’s discuss…”

 

“I’ve got something to say,” Bella interrupted. “I didn’t understand why people cared so much about their dumb pets until I had to take care of Nagini. I’ve only spent one day with her but if anything happened to her I’d kill all of you and then myself.”

 

“Very violent eulogy,” Rabastan said. “I like it.”

  


“I’m sorry, Rod, for being so dismissive before. Take all the time you need to get over it.”

 

* * *

“Alright, quarantine is finally over. Barty, don’t talk to me for like a week I’ve had enough of you for a while.” Voldemort said before walking out of the drawing room.”

 

“So, what was that thing about the cub?” Reg asked Barty.

 

“What? I don’t know what you’re on about. I remember nothing.”

 

“Really? What a shame.” Reg said with a smirk. “Because I’d call you my little cub if you wanted me to.”

 

“Ughh! I hate you!” Barty groaned but grabbed Reg’s hand anyway and dragged him to one of the guest rooms.

 

* * *

 

Voldemort walked into his room to find Bella laying on his bed with Nagini coiled around her.

 

“Bella, I’ve missed you so much. I don’t think I could’ve survived one more hour with Barty. Everyone here but you and me are idiots.”

 

“I know. But I’ve been doing good actually. Lots of fun hanging out with Nagini.”

 

“ _Why are you here, master. I’m hanging out with Bella. Stop interrupting our bonding time.”_ Nagini hissed at Voldemort in parseltongue.

 

“Wait, what?” Voldemort exclaimed.

 

* * *

 


End file.
